Hey you! Yes you…are you smirking at me a little? Yes, I am the same Emperor that walked down the parade in my unmentionables. Ever since that useless twat, Hans Christian Anderson wrote the fable of the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes,’ the whole world has been laughing at me. But you haven’t heard my side of the story, have you? Today, I am in a magnanimous mood, so I am going to tell you.
According to that fable, two tricksters posing as tailors fooled me into believing that they were weaving an invisible dress for me which only the intelligent could see. Since I didn’t want to come across as foolish, I pretended that I could see the dress they were making. And on the day of the parade, I donned that “invisible dress” and walked down my kingdom. My subjects—all useless morons—also pretended to admire my dress, until a little boy called out the bluff and said “But the Emperor is wearing nothing at all.”
HOW GULLIBLE CAN YOU BE TO BELIEVE SUCH A HOKUM-POKUM STORY!!! I SHOULD BEHEAD YOU RIGHT NOW—WHAT GOOD IS YOUR BRAIN FOR ANYWAY!!!
Phew…My Blood Pressure is Rising…Deep breath..Deep Breath…
For years, I have fooled the taxpayers in my kingdom to finance my wardrobe—and you really think two village-birdbrains can come and fool me?!? Ever gave any thought to how that is even possible? The truth is I hired those two nincompoop tailors and I was the one who came up with the invisible dress story.
WHY? Because I wanted to show the world my underpants, that’s why. I had got these really fashion-forward underpants made by a famous Italian brand called Pucci (pronounced Puchi). They were made from real leopard skin imported from sub-Saharan Africa, studded with diamonds on the edges. My underpants even had a specialty feature—they could let out a loud ROARRR at night. The queen was quite pleased with that feature, ahem. Bu tell me, what is the point of buying underpants worth thousands of gold coins, and not being able to show it to the world?!? That’s why I came up with the Invisible Dress Idea—because surely, as an Emperor, it does not behove me to walk around in my underpants.
It was my masterstroke. Only it turned out even better than I expected. Of course, people laughed at me a little. WHO CARES! I started wearing designer underpants to the parade every week. And I hired some journalists to write great things about my dressing sense. I paid them to write articles titled “The Emperor Who’s Storming the Fashion World,” “King Raises Status of the Under-privileged-Clothes” etc., always mentioning how expensive they were and how exotic their origins.
Soon enough, the trend for fashionable underwear took my kingdom by storm. NUMSKULLS! People who were only wearing simple, cotton inner-wear until then, now wanted knickerbockers made of satin and corsets made of lace. Women are my favorites, ha ha—they took to this trend like fish to water. The more expensive the undergarment, the more they craved it. Instead of calling their underwear ‘drawers’, they started calling them fancy names like ‘pretties’ and ‘lingerie.’ SO NAÏVE!
And me—I just spotted a perfect business opportunity. If people in my kingdom were going so crazy for fancy inner-wear, wouldn’t people all over the world fancy the same? I had the idea for a worldwide business empire crystal clear in front of me. I only needed two things. First, I needed an interesting name. I am an Emperor—I cannot start an underwear brand in my name. Second, I needed a plausible story for the brand.
One day, I was feeding my pet piggy with a head of romaine lettuce and the name of my brand just struck me— “Pigtoria’s Secret’—yes, perfect—that’s what I would call it. It sounded regal and mysterious enough. And of course, no one would ever know who was the true owner of the brand. So the use of the word ‘Secret’ was appropriate. I would make my stores look like a Victorian era boudoirs—with dark wood, oriental rugs and silk drapery. So when people paid an arm and a leg to buy an itty-bitty knicker, they would feel like royalty.
The next step was to create the perfect fictional back-story for the brand. “Pigtoria was an English-French model. Sophisticated and sexy, she started sensual lingerie on the high-end Sloane street in London.” We launched this story in the high society fashion magazines–you should have seen how the public lapped up the story. BWAHAHA.
And the ramp. How could I forget—my brand made Heidi Klum wear a $15 million ruby and diamond encrusted lingerie set. Honestly, I worried that thing must have been poky. But ever since, we have been on the best-seller charts. People are such SIMPLETONS!
Anyway, now you know the secret behind Pigtoria’s Secret….it all started in my Underpants Parade.People thought they were laughing at me, but really, I was the one who had the last laugh. Now SHHH…don’t tell my secret to anybody.
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